Respecting life

When I was younger, I didn’t really feel God.

I saw everyone around me struggling with their beliefs, some hating God, some sticking to strict religions or rituals like it was a badge of honor. My family tried out all kinds of spiritual paths over the years—Buddhism, Christianity, Seventh-Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and even atheism—but they always found their way back to our Indigenous ways.

I was baptized Anglican and went to church as a kid. It scared me, and I thought God was sending everyone to hell.

In my teenage years, I felt lost and alone. I turned to street drugs for a bit of happiness, but it came at a heavy price. I thought, if I’m going to hell, I might as well go out with a bang.

Then in my 20s, I went to treatment at Round Lake and realized that we, as Indigenous people, are still here. I learned about the rituals, prayers, and medicines of the prairies. I thought, this is the fire and lightning I’ve been searching for, the magic I saw in movies about shamans and their powers.

I kept going to AA, even though I was really a drug addict. I had lots of “friends” there, and I got a bit self-righteous about it. But I later learned that the hundred friends I helped wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them.

My daughter, Kaila, started going to the Sun Dance when she was just 8. I helped her get ready and sent her off to South Dakota with her adult friends. I was worried the whole time, so the next year, I packed us all up and went with her, and we kept going for six years.

I Sundanced for five years. I learned from the spirits that God is loving, and I started to understand that hell is right here on Earth.

When I began fasting on the mountainside, I started to feel God and connect with the spirit world. The spirits told me that Gitxsan believe every thought is a prayer, that God is within us and beside us, and that spirits guide us through this life. I remembered how my family respected all life, animals, and everything around us.

I spoke to my dads and learned that we used to have sweat lodges to cleanse ourselves before going hunting, so moose wouldn’t catch our scent. I was reminded of the medicines we used, and how we had pipes at the smoke feast. Some were hidden in the mountains when the white folks were burning our homes and sacred items. I also learned that some people practice bad medicine.

Over the years of Sundancing, I lost all those fake friends. I went through tough times, facing poverty and being homeless with my children for a while. But I had a few friends who struggled with alcohol too, and they never judged me; they helped me when I was in a tough spot. During that time, I remembered how my grandfather would invite anyone over for a beer and some soup, even his known enemies (hal’do’gwit).

Poverty humbled me and brought me to my knees; I was even willing to do things I never thought I would do just to feed my kids. That’s when I felt God really step in to help me. I only wish that help had come before my son Conan started selling drugs to keep us fed.

While praying for others, I thought of my dad, grandfather, and the men in my life who taught me to respect the spirit and all life by how they treated everything they hunted—with honor, returning the remains to where they came from, and being aware of all life and spirits around us.

I learned a lot from the spirits that came to me. I remember my mom saying, “It’s like mind communication," that “they talk to your spirit," and “they are always around.” I saw my mom move and heal those she loved.

Through my journey in this life, I’ve come to remember that Gitxsan people respect life and honor the spirits. God is in us and with us, and our ancestors guide us through this life.



Popular posts from this blog

Bear with hanging tongue

Image
The bear with the tongue hanging out of its mouth is not what you think.  Gather around, and let me share a story that carries the weight of our history, a tale that speaks of resilience and survival. Many people do not understand the significance of the tongue, often mistaking it as merely a feature of the bear. But there is much more to this story, one that we must keep alive as our Aboriginal stories, culture, and beliefs are too often appropriated for the profit of others. In our tradition, totem poles are read from the bottom up, with the tribe usually depicted at the base. It is important to note that the Gitxsan do not have a bear tribe. Instead, the bear symbolizes Russia, a powerful force that once threatened our lands. Long ago, the West Coast nations—including the Gitxsan, Nisga'a, Haida, and others—joined together to stand against Russia when they began to claim our traditional territories and take our people as slaves. Among those who suffered was a woman from th...
Read more

When the food drops

Image
I learned a lot from my grandfather and my parents just by watching them every day. We didn’t talk much about spirituality; we just lived it. Spirituality runs deep in our upbringing; it’s something that flows through our blood and is passed down by our ancestors who have gone before us. Our beliefs aren’t fancy or dramatic—there's no fire and lightning, just the spirit. We used to respect all of life, knowing that spirits are present in everything, including ourselves. God is within us and beside us; every thought we have is a prayer. I should mention that medicine can be used for harm too. Thoughts filled with hatred can be prayers as well. Some people who mix their medicine with bad intentions are called Hel'dow'gwit, or witchcraft. Over the past 50 years, many Gitxsan have changed and evolved. Sweat lodges, which were once only for hunting preparation, are now spaces for prayers and healing. Traditional gatherings have transformed into Healing Circles where we talk abou...
Read more

Burning

Image
Too often, our Gitxsan culture is romanticized, which can create an illusion that it is unattainable or far removed from the realities of our daily lives. This perception can make it seem uninviting to our young people, who may feel disconnected from the traditions and values that define us. We must remember to light the fire, to gather together, and to prepare meals with love for our family and friends. The act of burning food is not a failure but a reminder of our humanity and the lessons we learn along the way. Each meal shared is an opportunity to connect, to nurture, and to honor those we cherish. Every thought is a prayer. When we think of our loved ones who have journeyed on, they are with us in spirit, surrounding us with their love and gratitude for the respect and intention we hold in our hearts. It is in these moments that we can feel their presence, reminding us of the strength of our connections and the importance of our cultural practices. Let us not shy away from the imp...
Read more